What's Left of Me Read online

  “Are you okay?” he asks, the concern in his voice echoes off of the water.

  “Yeah,” I reply with a soft laugh and open my eyes. “I’m …” I’m wrapped around him—chest to chest, pelvis to pelvis, arms around his neck, legs around his waist wrapped around him. What am I doing?

  Cole’s hands find the small of my back as he holds my gaze, and I see the desire swimming in their deep brown depths. “Jenna,” he says, and the sexy tone of his voice nearly does me in. Not as much though as when his gaze falls to my mouth.

  I moisten my lips, ready to receive what he’s blatantly offering, when my cell phone rings. The sound pulls me out of my lust-induced trance, and I blink as I pull away from Cole. “I’m sorry, I have to get that.” My heart is racing. I swim for the shore and don’t look back. I can’t. I have no idea what just happened, and I have no idea how I’m going to handle it. But if I had to take a guess? I’d say things with Cole Sullivan are about to get interesting.

  6

  COLE

  What the hell did I do? Rushed things, that’s what. I went too far, too soon, and now Jenna was acting all weird around me. It’s not like I planned that little encounter in the lake. I was honestly just trying to have fun, you know? Get her back for calling me a cartoon girl. So, no, having her sweet little body plastered against mine was sadly not part of my plan today. I’m going to chalk that one up to divine intervention. Maybe someone somewhere was looking out for me.

  “You wanna watch a movie?” Jenna asks over the running faucet. She cooked dinner tonight, and even though I insisted on cleaning up, she instructed me to park my butt on the sofa and relax, claiming that I don’t know what it feels like to just sit still. Wonder why she thinks that?

  “Sure,” I tell her. “Anything in particular you want to watch?”

  She turns the faucet off and dries her hands on a small towel. “A comedy,” she says. “Something from the eighties.”

  We decide on Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and settle on the sofa—her on one end, me on the other. The movie starts, and about five minutes in we’re quoting every line, and everything between us is back to normal.

  “You are so Ferris,” she tells me and pops a piece of popcorn in her mouth—she just had to get up after the movie had already started to pop it because, and I quote, “It’s illegal to watch a movie and not eat popcorn.”

  “How so?” I ask and open my mouth for her to toss me one of the kernels. It bounces off of my nose and lands on my shirt.

  “Just your fun-loving, mischievous nature,” she explains. “I can see you doing every bit of what Ferris does in this movie. If recall, there was a time when you and Adam took my dad’s Jaguar out for a test drive without his permission. And I do believe it was all your idea.”

  I smile at the memory, and, even though my chest aches at the mention of her brother—my best friend—I can’t help but chuckle. “He was so against it, just like Cameron. But we had a blast that day. And, hey, at least we didn’t wreck it like they did,” I say and nod toward the TV.

  “Good thing, too,” Jenna says with a small laugh. “My dad would have had a fit if anything had happened to that car. You guys are lucky you didn’t get caught.”

  She tosses me another piece of popcorn as lightning flashes through the windows. Not three seconds later, rain hits the roof—hard.

  “Holy shit,” I say and hurry across the room to close the windows. “Where did this come from?”

  “Oh wow,” Jenna says, her voice loaded with worry. “Did you see the streak of lightning?”

  I nod as thunder cracks and damn near shakes the whole house. And then the lights go out.

  “Shit,” I mumble as I feel my way around the space to the kitchen. I know there’s a candle on the island and matches in one of the drawers. “Jenna, are you okay? Just sit tight for one minute while I find—”

  Dim light fills the room, and I look to see Jenna holding her cell phone with a light shining from the back of it. “Flashlight app,” she tells me and smiles. “This doesn’t seem like it’s going to blow over quick, so I think our movie’s ruined.”

  “Yeah,” I agree and ask her to shine her light to the drawer so I can find the matches. I find them, plus a deck of cards. “Poker?” I ask and hold the deck up for her to see.

  “I think I’m actually just going to head off to bed,” she says. “But I’ll take a raincheck.”

  I nod and toss the matches on the counter along with the deck of cards, disappointed but understanding. “Raincheck it is. Sweet dreams, Jenna.”

  “You too, Cole.”

  “One more week, boys, and then it’s home sweet home.” Adam grins and readjusts the gun in his lap after our Humvee hits a bump in the road.

  “Halle-fuckin-lujah,” Mark says. “I’m so fucking tired of dirt, and sand, and heat. I swear, if Jenna ever talks me into getting married, I’m not doing that honeymoon bullshit anywhere tropical.”

  “What do you mean ‘if,’ dipshit,” Adam says and punches Mark’s shoulder. “You better make an honest woman out of my sister, or I’ll beat the shit out of you.”

  I laugh along with John and Jay, the other guys on our team, but in my head I’m pretty pissed. Mark keeps making these shithead comments, and I don’t get what his deal is. If you want to be with somebody, you be with them. Simple as that. I don’t see the point in stringing someone along if you have no intentions of taking that next step. I guess that makes me weird or something. But if it were me and Jenna was my girl, I’d’ve had a ring on her finger a long time ago.

  Mark and Adam continue with their bantering, and it’s all joking—for the most part. I’ve learned out of all the years of our friendship to just tune them out when they get going like this. John chimes in and tells us how excited he is to get home to meet his daughter—she was born a week ago, and I don’t think he’s forgiven himself that he wasn’t there for her birth, although he couldn’t really help it. That kind of stuff happens when you do what we do for a living.

  Amongst the chatter, my thoughts suddenly go to Jenna. I don’t know why, but the image of her face smiling back at me is all I see right before I feel the tiny hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.

  Something’s not right.

  I don’t register the boom of the explosion until we’re airborne. Our Humvee flips and somersaults, and I’m tossed around, colliding with the other men and getting the wind knocked out of me. Dust and dirt fly all around us as the Humvee rocks to a standstill and a percussion of gunshots erupts outside.

  “Move! Move! Move!” Adam yells, and we do as we’re ordered.

  My breathing is heavy as I take cover and shoot, praying we kill these motherfuckers before they kill us.

  A bullet zings past me and sends dirt scattering through the air, momentarily blinding me.

  “Kowalski’s been hit!” Adam yells. “I need cover!”

  “Goddammit!” Mark yells into the radio. “These fuckers have me pinned. I can’t move! Sullivan!”

  “I’m on it!” I call back and scan the area, making my move when the time is right.

  “Stay with me, Jay,” I hear Adam say and I fire my gun as I hunker down next to him. “We’re gonna get you out of here, just hold on, man.” Blood coats Jay’s shoulder and neck where Adam firmly has his hand placed, putting pressure on the wound as he calls over the radio for a medic.

  Everything seems to be going in fast motion. Bullets fly all around us, and I return fire.

  Boom! Crack!

  “Take care of yourself, boys.” Jenna’s soft, sweet voice plays out in my memory. “Keep each other safe. Promise me you’ll come home.”

  I’m not one for breaking promises, and this one I intend to keep.

  “Damn it, Jay, come on. Don’t pass out on me!” Adam yells as I fire toward the ridge in front of us, and then I hear it, the bone-chilling scream right next to me. Blood spatters my face as I turn to Adam and see three bullets shred through him, his body convulsing with every hi
t. I watch as my best friend collapses to the ground next to Jay, and I quickly spin to return fire behind us.

  “Fuck, Adam,” I say and scramble next to him as I call over the radio that we’ve got another man down. “Shit. Oh shit. Adam!”

  “Cole,” he cries out and blood oozes from his mouth. “Oh God, it fucking hurts!”

  “I gotcha,” I tell him just as John appears next to me. “We’ve gotta move! Ramirez, take Kowalski!” Grabbing on to Adam’s vest, I pull him from our compromised location to safety. His hands start shaking as I get him situated, and his eyes close. “Adam! Don’t you dare go to sleep. Open your fucking eyes!”

  “I can’t—” Adam chokes out between shallow breaths.

  “You can and you will,” I tell him.

  ”I need you … to do …” His entire face contorts in pain as he cries out in agony. “I need you to do me a favor.”

  “No,” I say. Although I’d do anything for him, I refuse to do any of his biddings right now. He needs to fight, and if I agree to these favors, I’m letting him die.

  “Tell my parents I love them,” Adam says, his breathing labored.

  Goddammit, where’s the medic?

  “And take care of Jenna,” he tells me and a faint grin splays across his blood covered lips. “Kick Mark’s ass for me if he doesn’t treat her right.”

  “Fuck you,” I say. My voice breaks as I fight back the warm wetness filling my eyes. “Just hang on, man.”

  Adam’s eyes close. I shake him as I yell for him to open them. But he doesn’t, and I notice how still he is all of a sudden. I’m numb as all I can do is stare at my lifeless best friend.

  “Sullivan, on your left!”

  Mark’s voice registers a little too late, and pain like I’ve never felt before rips through my shoulder as gunshots echo through the air. I hit the ground hard and gasp from the immense burn and agony down my arm and in my chest. I can’t breathe, it hurts too fucking bad. I roll over onto my back and the sunlight blinds me, but then I hear her. She’s calling my name. I want to answer, but I can’t. Her sweet voice is the last thing I hear before I let the darkness take me.

  7

  JENNA

  Rain continues to pelt against the side of the house. Thunder rumbles low in the distance, and lightning flashes—its brightness fills the small bedroom. There’s no way I’m falling asleep in this mess. Even if it weren’t storming like crazy, I still wouldn’t be sleeping. The only reason I came to bed in the first place was because the lights went out.

  Watching the movie was safe. It kept my focus off of Cole—of his mouth and hands. The popcorn helped too, and I’m so glad I thought to bring it over when I did. But now, lying here all by myself in the dark, all I can think about is him. My mind refuses to give me any relief, and my body begs for it. Being in his arms earlier? I can’t explain it, but it just felt right. The only other man I’ve ever been that close to was Mark, and he never made me feel the things I felt with Cole. It makes me sad to think I wasted so many years with someone only to walk away realizing the feelings I held were mediocre. These new feelings I have for Cole are hardly that way, but they make me nervous—not that anything bad is going to happen, but that something more could happen. Something good. Something amazing.

  And I know that makes me sound crazy. Who knows? Maybe I am. But I can’t get involved with Cole. I feel like I barely know who he is anymore. Sure he’s still the same Cole I remember, but he’s changed, he’s … distant. I guess war does that to people.

  When he disappeared four years ago, without a goodbye, without telling anyone where he was going, a piece of me left with him. He was the last thing in my life that made me feel like my brother was still alive, and without him around I just felt lost. I understand he was dealing with a lot of demons during that time—we all were. The effects of what happened in Afghanistan weighed heavily on his shoulders, but why he didn’t stay around and let us help him get through it just baffles me. We all lost something—someone. I just don’t get why he felt like he needed to deal with it alone? I could’ve helped him. I can help him. I just need him to let me.

  Thunder cracks again, still in the distance, but it’s loud enough to make me jump. My attention turns to the doorway after, and I catch the faint moans coming from the other side. With my curiosity peaked, I step out of the bed and slowly make my way from the room. I can barely see where I’m going, but the moans grow louder as I enter the main area of the house. It sounds as if Cole is having a nightmare or something. I flip the light switch but nothing happens. Carefully, I feel my way around the kitchen and grab the box of matches when my fingers find them. A soft glow fills the room as I walk the lit candle over to the sofa and place it on the coffee table. Cole’s entire body is covered in a thin sheen of sweat and his hair is damp. I’m speechless. I’ve never seen anyone have this kind of reaction to a bad dream.

  I cautiously sit down on the edge of the sofa and gently press my hand to his shoulder, noticing a thick scar. “Cole,” I whisper. “Shh. Cole, it’s okay. It’s just a bad dream. Come on, wake up.” I keep my voice steady and easy as I try to coax him awake. His breathing becomes heavier and he moans again. “Cole,” I say louder and shake his shoulder. “Come back to me. Open your eyes.”

  A few moments later, Cole’s eyes widen and dart around the room—panicked and disoriented—until they find me. “Jenna?”

  His voice is pained, and the hurt within it makes my chest tighten. “Yeah, it’s me,” I say and brush my fingertips across his dampened hairline.

  Cole’s hand catches mine as he holds it against his face, closing his eyes and breathing deep. “It was so real,” he murmurs. “I could hear, smell, and feel everything.” He opens his eyes, and he looks so lost that a lump rises in my throat.

  When he releases my hand and moves to sit up, I scoot over and decide to give him some space. “Let me get you some water,” I say and stand up from the sofa.

  His hand flies to my wrist, causing me to stop and turn to him. “Don’t leave me.”

  “I won’t,” I say softly, and I take my seat back next to him—only then does he let go of my wrist. I’m not quite sure what to do, or what he needs me to do, so I just sit there with him in silence.

  He leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees and puts his face in his hands. “I couldn’t save him.” His voice is muffled, but I’m able to make out the words. “He asked me to cover him, and I …” Cole’s voice breaks and he takes in a shaky breath. “I didn’t see the shooters behind us.”

  My chest is heavy with pain as I realize Cole is telling me about what happened in Afghanistan. About Adam. All of these years I’ve wanted to know, but now I’m not so sure I can handle it. I need to hear this, though—need to let him talk about it and release the grief that he’s kept bottled up for so long. My hand rests gently on the back of his shoulder, and I move my palm back and forth in a soothing motion.

  “It’s all my fault,” Cole says and scrubs his face with his hands before sitting up slightly. “Adam’s gone and it’s all my fault.” He turns to me, and his eyes are so glassy. “I’m so sorry, Jenna.”

  My own eyes are warm and watery, and that lump in my throat is about to break through my exterior. Still, a tear slips from my eye and down my cheek as I pull Cole into my arms and hold him tight. “It is not your fault,” I reassure him and feel his arms wrap around my waist. “You did everything you were supposed to do. It was an ambush, Cole. You almost died yourself.”

  “It should’ve been me,” I hear him say with his face buried into my shoulder. “Adam was good, and I’m …”

  “Stop that,” I tell him and pull away to look at him. His eyes are so pained and haunted, it nearly kills me. “You’re good.” I emphasize my statement, hoping to get through to him. “You’re a good man, a good son, a good brother, and a damn good Marine.” He notices my curse, heck I’m a little surprised too, but I’m in the moment and need to make sure I have his attention. “Adam knew what he
was getting into when he signed up. You all did. He died doing what he loved, so don’t let his death be in vain.”

  “I miss him, Jenna,” Cole says. “It kills me every day that I lived and he didn’t.”

  “I miss him, too.” Lifting my hand, I stroke my fingertips along the side of his face. “But we have to keep going, Cole. If we keep dwelling on the past, on the things we can’t change, we’ll be miserable, bitter people.” I rest my hand against his jaw as I hold his gaze. “I know it’s hard, but we need to move on.” My thumb strokes his cheek. “Stop just existing and live.”

  Cole’s hands tighten around my waist seconds before his mouth is on mine in a blaze of heat and passion.

  A slow moan escapes from me when Cole’s tongue thrusts into my mouth, and I wrap my arms around his neck to deepen the kiss. He kisses me like I’ve never been kissed before—like his life depends on it. He devours me with every lick, every stroke, every flick, and the overwhelming sensation quickly sends a rush of aching heat to my breasts and between my legs. “What are we doing?” I murmur against his lips.

  Grasping my hips with his large hands, Cole kisses me harder and pulls me so I’m straddling his lap. “Living.”

  8

  COLE

  I slide my palms up Jenna’s silky thighs and tuck my fingers beneath the soft fabric of her panties, gripping her ass and drawing her closer to me. Nuzzling my way along her jaw, I nip at her chin with my teeth before working my way down her slender neck. Licking. Tasting. God … biting. I know I’m being rough, but I can’t stop myself. The moment my mouth crushed against hers a primal instinct in me took over and all reasonable thought vanished from my brain.